Happy New Year to anyone who happens to read this. I hope 2011 is a good one for you. I'm hoping for a better one.
The end of the month will mark a year since getting crushed by a car while assisting at a MVA. My life has changed. I am not the same person, and I don't know who I am. I'm hoping I can figure that out relatively early in 2011 and get on with the business of living, not just existing.
Now when I see people I haven't seen in a while they barely hug me, they think I'll break.
My daughter tells my grandchildren not to hug me too hard, if it all, they might hurt Grammy.
My husband hasn't made love to me since the accident for fear I'll break
Those are just some of the concrete changes. The inward ones people don't see, those are the ones that are so hard for me. I don't feel useful anymore. I want to be able to work again, and don't know if I will ever be able to. If I can't, if I can't be useful, why am I taking up space. I'm trying to make sense out this and I can't. And in the end, I didn't even help the woman who rolled her car, whom I stopped to help, because a van hit it before I could do anything and knocked it over onto me. So all I did was create a bigger problem really.
I'm reading lots of blogs, trying to find meaning, and some are very helpful. I'm trying and it's hard. And that's where my 2011 is starting. I wonder how this one will end.
Hi Allison,
ReplyDeleteThis post touched me a lot. I have been working with people with disabilities for about 5 years now, and it has truly opened my eyes to a world I didn't know existed. I know words are easy to say, but I can tell you that you are NOT useless, for instance...this blog touched and changed my day and I don't even know you. I started in this field with a man who broke his cervical spine in a car accident which left him completely paralyzed from the neck down. Watching him cope with this alongside his family has been inspiring. I asked him once if he would rather have died in the accident and he said no, that he would have missed watching his children grow up to be successful and that he would have missed the journey of faith with his wife. I think that's what it takes, lots of faith. I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope 2011 brings you many blessings!
You touched my life today, Allison. You are DEFINITELY NOT useless. I know it's impossible not to feel that way sometimes. It's harder for women, and harder for those of us who are facing real challenges in the area of just living and figuring out who we are and what our purpose in that living is. I feel very blessed to have you in my blogosphere, and just want to encourage you to keep seeking for answers, for meaning, for purpose. It will eventually be revealed, if you remain open. You are in my prayers and in my thoughts. xo, pj
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