I try to practice gratitude everday. I learned about it 'the rooms' but I'm learning more about it here, from the wise people who talk about it and reach out to me, even though I'm a stranger. Maybe I'm 'doing it wrong'. (Que the negative self-talk). But it does seem to help others so much, yet I make one step forward, and take 4 back. I'm not sure what to do next, where to find the guidance I need. I read all kinds of theories about self-fufillment and finding happiness and peace within yourself. I know that's what I need to do, because that doesn't come from given to you, not from possessions, and other people don't provide it. Observation proves this. When you struggle with financial probems, it's tempting to think that if you had money, you'd be happy because your problems would be solved. But look how many gifted and wealthy people have taken their own lives. Yet we see old couples, with almost nothing, and they are happy just to have each other. Yes, I'm pretty sure happiness isn't dependent on your circumstances, but rather life, how live it, how contribute to it, and doing your best to make it a better place by the time you leave it, than when you got here. I certainly don't feel like I'm doing anything to make the world a better place.
Somehow, knowing this just isn't helping me all that much. I'm not feeling like I'm in a good place now, and its been getting worse. Being housebound most of the time isn't good, and the more I am, the more I find I don't want to go out. -- it's too much effort now. Staying home and vegging-out is becoming more comfortable. I'm so grateful to those of you who open your hearts, and write so honestly, cuz then I can see that others have these feelings to sometimes, and that helps me get through one more day sometimes. Thank you all, and for those of you struggling also, lets pray 2011 will be a bright new beginning of things to come. Happy New Year!
(some pics of the way 2010 began for me)
You are a beautiful person Allison. Don't allow yourself to become complacent. Keep your mind active and the rest will follow!
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I love your honesty. Never feel like you have to present something in your blog that isn't really true, isn't really you. I used to do that and it sucks, because this is the one place you can just be you in all the ickyness you feel, whether that's real to anyone else or not. The emotional ups and downs are part of life and if we don't acknowledge the negative, along with the positive, we can't confront it and work toward the change we want in our lives, in our selves. You are an amazing, inspirational woman, and I applaud your gratitude in the face of huge obstacles and challenges. AND, I L-O-V-E your precious kit-kat! My Boots can make me laugh and lift my spirits when nothing else and no one else can!
ReplyDeleteI like posts like this because I think it's a waste of time to pretend negative emotions don't exist. You went through something horrible! It's ok to be mad and feel like life gave you the short straw, in fact, it's completely normal to feel that way. My friend died in a car accident a few years ago, and after the funeral I asked his wife how she was. She asked me if I wanted to know the truth or the answer people expect to hear. When I told her that I always want to know the truth she said "I'm not ok. I don't want to wake up, I wish I had died with him, he was my soul mate." My heart absolutely broke for her, but I have watched her in the years since, and she has persevered and been there for their daughters. Her life was turned upside down, but she took the pieces and made something that is just as beautiful as what was before. You can do that too!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there! Take it one day at a time. God loves you and has great things planned for you!
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