So I'm once again not working but do have an interview today. My hopes aren't to high, in fact my feelings are mixed.
I'm not sure if this latest twist of fate is a result of my head injury when the car fell on me, a reaction to a certain medication, or a genetic predisposition (which I'll never know, having only met my birth mother briefly when I was 26, 3 weeks before she killed herself).
Anyway, it seems I've developed tremors. They're what's called postural tremors, meaning they occur when you try to hold the affected body part in a particular position, i.e. it doesn't happen at rest, but try holding a cup of coffee, or putting in contact lenses, and it can become quite a chore. As far as nursing, if someone were going to start an IV on me, I would certainly prefer their hands weren't making spastic movements, same for having a catheter inserted. You see mydilemma by now I think.
Yet emotionally, and for my own sanity, I feel like I want to work, badly. I've already got a few strikes against me; the intermittent short-term memory loss is right up there.
From what I've read this type of tremor is progressive, and people with Parkinson's have reported it as much as 20-30 years prior to the diagnosis of PD. Wonderful! More to look forward to, often linked to head trauma (perhaps a Subaru striking you in the head and crushing you under it?) I don't know if it's related or not, I just know it's happening, its sort or rapidly progressing, from being in just my upper extremities to now affecting my neck (my head can shake) and my left leg, (like trying to hold my foot on the brake pedal.).
The most painful part of this whole thing, and has been for the last year is the depression. I don't know that it's *situational depression*. In other words, I don't know that if I lived somewhere else and changed aspects of my situation, that I'd be less depressed. Because I've been in rough situations before, but gotten back up and gotten through it. This time though, I feel like I'm down for the count. I don't know how to help myself, don't know who to turn to. I really miss my NA meetings which gave me a lot of strength but now that I'm remarried my husband doesn't want me going because he's afraid someone he knows will see me. If I don't go, I may never see myself! Or at least that's how it feels. My biggest chore of the day is getting out of bed. I had seeing it getting light in the morning and realizing I have to face another day feeling this way. Life is so short, I want to make the most of it while I'm here. I just can't pull myself together to enjoy anything. Thanks for letting me vent,
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
It's Been How Long??
I knew I hadn't been on here in a while, I didn't realize how long until I got here. It's been a really long time. And for those few of you who were following me, I really apologize. I wasn't here because I was in a really bad place. I don't know what to do about that. It seems that the harder I try to get out of this bad place, it's like quicksand, and the more I struggle the deeper I get stuck in it.
My Dad used to always say "hey, you better pull yourself up by your bootstraps". Well either I can't find mine, or they snapped!
Anyway, different little/major things have happened. Like for instance, I tried going back to work. It was a fiasco. I don't know whose fault it was. I'm defnitely blaming myself. The people closest to me are saying it wasn't my fault. When they say "you know it wasn't your fault, right?" I'm at a loss for what to say. Am I supposed to say what I know they want me to say, which is that they have convinced me it wasn't my fault, or tell the truth and say that no matter what they say, my self-doubt is much stronger than any of their words, and deep down I will always believe it was my fault, and one more in a long list of failures, which mother predicted for me from a very early age.
The first day at the rehab center was filled with paperwork and watching corporate videos. The second day, apparently due to staffing issues, they were quite a few nurses short, so the Staff Development nurse who was training the other Supervisor as well as me, had to take the floor. That was one nurse for 28 residents, meds, treatments, etc. This was not a learning experience, this was nursing at it's worst, due to the current climate created by the economy and many other factors. This nurse hardly ever covered the floor, and admitted she was overwhelmed, and slow doing med passes. That's fine. When I was a supervisor and had to occasionally take a floor, I was much slower than the regular nurse who was familiar with the residents, who had to have their meds crushed in applesauce, etc. Anyhow, she decided that she would draw up the meds and have Ann and myself administer said meds to the residents. WHAT!?! I was trained that you never administer a med you didn't draw up yourself! This is especially important with insulins since some are long-acting, some short, and minute differences can make a huge diffence in certain patients. Then again, what do you do on your second day of orientation? Do you say you refuse to do it? I guess it's what you should do, but it's pretty hard, especially after struggling for so long to get a job, as I had. So as Ann and I would return to her from a room, she'd have another cup of meds poured, syringes drawn up and say "give this to 23B" and so on.
We never saw the MAR, never saw the bottle the syringe was drawn from, or what patient she took the order from.
I returned from a patients' room and she handed me a syringe of morphine and she said "give this to 23B". I did. I returned to the her and she said "you did give that to 22B?" and I said "OMG! No! I gave it to 23B". She said nothing after that. Things continued as they had. Several times I tried to give her back the narcotics keys, I was extremely uneasy at this point, but she told me to hang on to them. She also continued to have me hand out meds. These residents could be in the smoking area, the dining area, anywhere, and none of them were wearing ID bracelets! I was stunned. It crossed my mind that if morphine wasn't intended for that patient she might want to get an order for Narcan, but I didn't want to say anything at this point. That was Tuesday. Wednesday I arrived and she and the administrator were waiting for me. She asked me how I thought the previous day had gone. I told her it was scary. Her reply to me was that I had made a medication error, she had gotten her butt reamed for it, and that while med errors were made all the time, and that part was 'no big deal' what bothered her was that I didn't seem to care or show enough emotion about it. I said I was terrified, but tried to remain composed in front of the rest of the residents, because I didn't think sulking in a corner was going to help anybody, she just said that I seemed to be emotionless, and they were terminating me. Well, so much for going back to work. I do blame myself. I can think she said 23B till the day I die, but it won't change anything - I gave the wrong med to the wrong patient. I did it. Her initials are in the book as having given it (as I said we didn't have access to the med book, so she was signing for everything she was handing us to give out), but ultimately, I gave it, and I'm responsible. Maybe the world is safer without me. Anyway, I'm devasted.....
My Dad used to always say "hey, you better pull yourself up by your bootstraps". Well either I can't find mine, or they snapped!
Anyway, different little/major things have happened. Like for instance, I tried going back to work. It was a fiasco. I don't know whose fault it was. I'm defnitely blaming myself. The people closest to me are saying it wasn't my fault. When they say "you know it wasn't your fault, right?" I'm at a loss for what to say. Am I supposed to say what I know they want me to say, which is that they have convinced me it wasn't my fault, or tell the truth and say that no matter what they say, my self-doubt is much stronger than any of their words, and deep down I will always believe it was my fault, and one more in a long list of failures, which mother predicted for me from a very early age.
The first day at the rehab center was filled with paperwork and watching corporate videos. The second day, apparently due to staffing issues, they were quite a few nurses short, so the Staff Development nurse who was training the other Supervisor as well as me, had to take the floor. That was one nurse for 28 residents, meds, treatments, etc. This was not a learning experience, this was nursing at it's worst, due to the current climate created by the economy and many other factors. This nurse hardly ever covered the floor, and admitted she was overwhelmed, and slow doing med passes. That's fine. When I was a supervisor and had to occasionally take a floor, I was much slower than the regular nurse who was familiar with the residents, who had to have their meds crushed in applesauce, etc. Anyhow, she decided that she would draw up the meds and have Ann and myself administer said meds to the residents. WHAT!?! I was trained that you never administer a med you didn't draw up yourself! This is especially important with insulins since some are long-acting, some short, and minute differences can make a huge diffence in certain patients. Then again, what do you do on your second day of orientation? Do you say you refuse to do it? I guess it's what you should do, but it's pretty hard, especially after struggling for so long to get a job, as I had. So as Ann and I would return to her from a room, she'd have another cup of meds poured, syringes drawn up and say "give this to 23B" and so on.
We never saw the MAR, never saw the bottle the syringe was drawn from, or what patient she took the order from.
I returned from a patients' room and she handed me a syringe of morphine and she said "give this to 23B". I did. I returned to the her and she said "you did give that to 22B?" and I said "OMG! No! I gave it to 23B". She said nothing after that. Things continued as they had. Several times I tried to give her back the narcotics keys, I was extremely uneasy at this point, but she told me to hang on to them. She also continued to have me hand out meds. These residents could be in the smoking area, the dining area, anywhere, and none of them were wearing ID bracelets! I was stunned. It crossed my mind that if morphine wasn't intended for that patient she might want to get an order for Narcan, but I didn't want to say anything at this point. That was Tuesday. Wednesday I arrived and she and the administrator were waiting for me. She asked me how I thought the previous day had gone. I told her it was scary. Her reply to me was that I had made a medication error, she had gotten her butt reamed for it, and that while med errors were made all the time, and that part was 'no big deal' what bothered her was that I didn't seem to care or show enough emotion about it. I said I was terrified, but tried to remain composed in front of the rest of the residents, because I didn't think sulking in a corner was going to help anybody, she just said that I seemed to be emotionless, and they were terminating me. Well, so much for going back to work. I do blame myself. I can think she said 23B till the day I die, but it won't change anything - I gave the wrong med to the wrong patient. I did it. Her initials are in the book as having given it (as I said we didn't have access to the med book, so she was signing for everything she was handing us to give out), but ultimately, I gave it, and I'm responsible. Maybe the world is safer without me. Anyway, I'm devasted.....
Monday, January 3, 2011
You Want the Truth? I Can't Handle the Truth!
I try to practice gratitude everday. I learned about it 'the rooms' but I'm learning more about it here, from the wise people who talk about it and reach out to me, even though I'm a stranger. Maybe I'm 'doing it wrong'. (Que the negative self-talk). But it does seem to help others so much, yet I make one step forward, and take 4 back. I'm not sure what to do next, where to find the guidance I need. I read all kinds of theories about self-fufillment and finding happiness and peace within yourself. I know that's what I need to do, because that doesn't come from given to you, not from possessions, and other people don't provide it. Observation proves this. When you struggle with financial probems, it's tempting to think that if you had money, you'd be happy because your problems would be solved. But look how many gifted and wealthy people have taken their own lives. Yet we see old couples, with almost nothing, and they are happy just to have each other. Yes, I'm pretty sure happiness isn't dependent on your circumstances, but rather life, how live it, how contribute to it, and doing your best to make it a better place by the time you leave it, than when you got here. I certainly don't feel like I'm doing anything to make the world a better place.
Somehow, knowing this just isn't helping me all that much. I'm not feeling like I'm in a good place now, and its been getting worse. Being housebound most of the time isn't good, and the more I am, the more I find I don't want to go out. -- it's too much effort now. Staying home and vegging-out is becoming more comfortable. I'm so grateful to those of you who open your hearts, and write so honestly, cuz then I can see that others have these feelings to sometimes, and that helps me get through one more day sometimes. Thank you all, and for those of you struggling also, lets pray 2011 will be a bright new beginning of things to come. Happy New Year!
(some pics of the way 2010 began for me)
Somehow, knowing this just isn't helping me all that much. I'm not feeling like I'm in a good place now, and its been getting worse. Being housebound most of the time isn't good, and the more I am, the more I find I don't want to go out. -- it's too much effort now. Staying home and vegging-out is becoming more comfortable. I'm so grateful to those of you who open your hearts, and write so honestly, cuz then I can see that others have these feelings to sometimes, and that helps me get through one more day sometimes. Thank you all, and for those of you struggling also, lets pray 2011 will be a bright new beginning of things to come. Happy New Year!
(some pics of the way 2010 began for me)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year, and almost a Year
Happy New Year to anyone who happens to read this. I hope 2011 is a good one for you. I'm hoping for a better one.
The end of the month will mark a year since getting crushed by a car while assisting at a MVA. My life has changed. I am not the same person, and I don't know who I am. I'm hoping I can figure that out relatively early in 2011 and get on with the business of living, not just existing.
Now when I see people I haven't seen in a while they barely hug me, they think I'll break.
My daughter tells my grandchildren not to hug me too hard, if it all, they might hurt Grammy.
My husband hasn't made love to me since the accident for fear I'll break
Those are just some of the concrete changes. The inward ones people don't see, those are the ones that are so hard for me. I don't feel useful anymore. I want to be able to work again, and don't know if I will ever be able to. If I can't, if I can't be useful, why am I taking up space. I'm trying to make sense out this and I can't. And in the end, I didn't even help the woman who rolled her car, whom I stopped to help, because a van hit it before I could do anything and knocked it over onto me. So all I did was create a bigger problem really.
I'm reading lots of blogs, trying to find meaning, and some are very helpful. I'm trying and it's hard. And that's where my 2011 is starting. I wonder how this one will end.
The end of the month will mark a year since getting crushed by a car while assisting at a MVA. My life has changed. I am not the same person, and I don't know who I am. I'm hoping I can figure that out relatively early in 2011 and get on with the business of living, not just existing.
Now when I see people I haven't seen in a while they barely hug me, they think I'll break.
My daughter tells my grandchildren not to hug me too hard, if it all, they might hurt Grammy.
My husband hasn't made love to me since the accident for fear I'll break
Those are just some of the concrete changes. The inward ones people don't see, those are the ones that are so hard for me. I don't feel useful anymore. I want to be able to work again, and don't know if I will ever be able to. If I can't, if I can't be useful, why am I taking up space. I'm trying to make sense out this and I can't. And in the end, I didn't even help the woman who rolled her car, whom I stopped to help, because a van hit it before I could do anything and knocked it over onto me. So all I did was create a bigger problem really.
I'm reading lots of blogs, trying to find meaning, and some are very helpful. I'm trying and it's hard. And that's where my 2011 is starting. I wonder how this one will end.
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