...and so it goes ~~another weird thing in my life

So I'm once again not working but do have an interview today. My hopes aren't to high, in fact my feelings are mixed.

I'm not sure if this latest twist of fate is a result of my head injury when the car fell on me, a reaction to a certain medication, or a genetic predisposition (which I'll never know, having only met my birth mother briefly when I was 26, 3 weeks before she killed herself).

Anyway, it seems I've developed tremors. They're what's called postural tremors, meaning they occur when you try to hold the affected body part in a particular position, i.e. it doesn't happen at rest, but try holding a cup of coffee, or putting in contact lenses, and it can become quite a chore. As far as nursing, if someone were going to start an IV on me, I would certainly prefer their hands weren't making spastic movements, same for having a catheter inserted. You see mydilemma by now I think.

Yet emotionally, and for my own sanity, I feel like I want to work, badly. I've already got a few strikes against me; the intermittent short-term memory loss is right up there.

From what I've read this type of tremor is progressive, and people with Parkinson's have reported it as much as 20-30 years prior to the diagnosis of PD. Wonderful! More to look forward to, often linked to head trauma (perhaps a Subaru striking you in the head and crushing you under it?) I don't know if it's related or not, I just know it's happening, its sort or rapidly progressing, from being in just my upper extremities to now affecting my neck (my head can shake) and my left leg,  (like trying to hold my foot on the brake pedal.).

The most painful part of this whole thing, and has been for the last year is the depression. I don't know that it's *situational depression*. In other words, I don't know that if I lived somewhere else and changed aspects of my situation, that I'd be less depressed. Because I've been in rough situations before, but gotten back up and gotten through it. This time though, I feel like I'm down for the count. I don't know how to help myself, don't know who to turn to. I really miss my NA meetings which gave me a lot of strength but now that I'm remarried my husband doesn't want me going because he's afraid someone he knows will see me. If I don't go, I may never see myself! Or at least that's how it feels. My biggest chore of the day is getting out of bed. I had seeing it getting light in the morning and realizing I have to face another day feeling this way. Life is so short, I want to make the most of it while I'm here. I just can't pull myself together to enjoy anything. Thanks for letting me vent,