I’ve gone through different phases thoughout my lifetime. I sound like one of those pharmacetical companies marketing an anti-depressant; “I know what it feels like to be happy, I remember what it felt like to feel happy”. And their pill will magicaly balance your out of kilter brain chemicals, and you’ll feel the way you remember feeling. I’m glad science and research funding saw it as an important idea to investigate and study, because for some, it does work that way, that’s all that’s wrong.
Now we’re hearing about teen suicide, suicide among returning vets from Afghanistan and Irag, college campuses, all very different demons created by society, and at this point in time society whoever has been chosen as “the black sheep, whom if we allow them any more rights, or even acceptance, life as we know it will end, Doomesday will follow. What I’m about to say is NOT that kids being tormented for being gay is the same, or worse, than the veteran’s coming home, who have it drilled into their heads that they (ARE) and I believe are, some of the srongest, bravest men in the world. The toughest? We’re human, So when there’s a social stigma in society, if you mention mental illness it’s like mentioning a weakness. We’ve learned intellectually that its not right to say”retard or any of the degrading adverbs that come to mind, but behind closed doors, how many times, when people of different sociologial areas are together, that words like “faggot”, “gay” the N-word I just can’t bring myself to say these, and I’ve trouble with the ones I already typed, are said?. Many years ago boys without fathers were "bastards” – that usually now refers to used-car salesman who has such a great deal for you, because ‘his back was against the wall, and his hands were tied behind his back,so he had to give you this tremendous deal, and the months you’ve had it you’ve spent more for fixing it than the price of it, which nobody can believe you spent that much for it to begin with.
So here’s the thing, we as a society,when we allow any of those groups to be de-ninigfied in private, we give it silent-approval. Silent approval has to stop. It’s hard to legislate emotions. You can only legislate action. In several sociological studies have shown that if you can alter how people bahave, the feelings will follow. An example is when African-Americans were required to sit in the back of the bus. When that was finally denounced, lots of people complained and said ‘what’s gonna be next?’ but gradually emotion about it. Cognitive dissonance, if you’re doing something, if you’re forced to continue doing it, your psyche will have to find a way to sync-up the two. You can’t exist thinking that you are continually doing something wrong and have to a) decide it’s right, b) stop doing it. The people keeping blacks on the back of the bus were foced to change their attitude. They were against, but when it became law, they were forced to follow it.
I always thought about finding my real mother. I stated it that way on purpose. As time goes on we realize different groups of people and how or words can hurt them. The way I should have stated it was ‘looking for my birth-mother'. Lot’s of kids are adopted.Today it’s publicized by celebrities. Not so much in the 50’s. There was Joan Crawford, she was a mild interpretation of the woman I ended up with. She was a raging, abusive, out-of-control alcholic and I wanted to find mine, just to see if maybe she would like, and that she was normal. There’s a lot more to that story but I don’t want to digress to far. The reason Jeanne had to put me up for adoption, was that I was the product of her and my father who was not her husband. Her husband, a violent angry drunk himself had decided to enter the Korean war, and while over there stated he was staying because he got a Japanese woman pregnant. He eventually returned, said he’d make things work, ‘keep the family together’ but NOT raise another man’s child. Think how many guys are doing that today. Social stigmaaaaa……..If society had accepted these loose, trampy women, what would happen? Doomesday! Now women choose to be single mother’s, in fact single mother’s are often (rightly so) respected and revered.
I did locate my birth mother. I’m grateful for that opportunity. I was 24 years old. I visited her a couple of times. As luck would have it, shee too was an alcholic, but I never saw her drunk. She told me however, that she had just gotten out of the hospital after a month in a coma, brought on by what she called ‘an aneurysm in the stomach. She said she was told she could never drink again or she would die. She was 52. She also jokingly said “I’m only 5-moths today, and pointed to how swollen her liver was. She said she also felt depressed about her Diabetes II diet, because of her stomach, combined with the diabtic diet, there was nothing left to eat that she enjoyed. She said she particularly missed Bing cherries. I said what are those? She pointed to a huge bowl on her kitchen table bright red cherries. It wouldn’t occur to me for many years, that was a clue. I visited her again, we were beoming closer. She spoke of taking me to Paris (where she was from). She said she had planned to do it with her best friend, Laurie, but now that we’d found each other, she wanted me to go. I was thrilled.
The next week or so she called me at home. I don’t remember what she said, just that she’d sounded drunk. She said “oh, you’re mad at meee” and I said no, I just have to go”. Same line I always gave my birth mother when she called to tell me what else was my fault. I’d had enough drunken phone calls to last me a lifetime, didn’t need them from someone else. That was the last time I ever spoke to her..I should have hung up and called 9-1-1. The cherries, now the booze. What louder cry for help did she have to make? The next day, or day after , Laurie called. She was angry. She had lost her best friend and it was my fault. Laurie said I brought up all those painful feelings for her and she became depressed and started drinking, knowing it would be fatal. Well, I missed some important cries for help there. And I was self-centered by not wanting to hear her drunk, and oh, how self-righteous I was. And look what I lost by being judgmental, instead of reacing out to someone, clearly asking for it.
There’ve been times in my life I’ve contemplated suicide, (I don’t know how seriously) and in elementary school I was referred to as the adopted kid, I din’t have any friends, and I was pretty much the short, skinny, freckled, kid, looking in the mirror, to try to see how I could be like everyone else, to be accepted.
The point I’m trying to make, (you didn’t think I had one, did you?) is that social ridicule is painful, and can ruin lives. It always been present, luckily it’s gaining more attention as more people who have been victims of it, for a multitude of reasons, step forward and say STOP NOW. Many have been to the brink of suicide themselves. So, though the subject, i.e., target, of our ridicule/prejudice/joking distastefully, changes with the times, our tolerance to do it has been accepted, at least until now. I'm not going to say that one group is hurting, or did hurt more than another. How could I be so arrogant to suppose to know that unless I were a member of each and every maligned group in society and I don't know if there are degrees of hurt in general. I imagine it's a very individual thing, dependent on many factors, not the least of which would include the amount of support one has from family and friends. Unfortunately, sometimes there is very little, because our differences cause families to shun us.
I wish everyone would think of one thing they’ve felt embarrassed about something, insecure of themselves, been made fun of, and then vow not to take part in anything that would ever make another man, woman or child feel that way. That means NOT laughing when your buddies make fun of a particular group, it means sticking your neck out at first, but if we all change our behavior, and allow others to witness this new behavior, the chances of people living more fulfilling lifes will increase, and our society will be stronger and better for it. Maybe we could all just try, just for a day, I'm betting it will feel good and we'll want to keep living that way, and others will too, just by example. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. Just a thought...
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